I couldn't believe myself.
One moment, I was so dejected and hurt, and the next moment, I was enjoying the rains.
One moment, I had been so lachrymose and sensitive, and the next moment, I was cursing and shouting and giving threats (not in my mind, right on the face).
One moment, I was so needy, and the next moment, I just turned my back and walked away.
But, I couldn't believe myself further, when I thought I had fallen in love. Sure, they'd said love can happen more than once. But I didn't believe it back then.
Everytime, so far, I have always decided on love matters with my head. Even when I think I like someone, it has been a left-brain thought. Although, there was once an exception, where my heart and my head had been in unison.
But, for once, I had fallen for someone without even thinking. I had liked someone without even knowing. I had loved someone without even deciding (No, I'm pretty sure you won't understand this one).
But, well, where did it all take me? Nowhere. It turned into a triangle whose third angle was none other than my friend.
Although, she didn't harbour any feelings, he did.
And me? What could I do? I stepped aside (after a confrontation, of course :P).
But right now, I still cry. Not for him, but for me. No, not exactly in self pity. Let me try explaining.
I had found a really promising distraction from my past. When that was around, I was much more involved in it and I didn't think over matters that had once been. But then, it stepped out and now, although I know I can control it if I want to, I am reminded of it all.
And, everyone keeps threatening me of murder if I fall back into what I had been in. It has been three years. They are tired of trying to explain things to me. And why wouldn't they be?
But, can't they see I have changed? Can't they see I'm smiling and laughing and playing? Can't they see I've begun to actually live my life for myself? Can't they accept that shit happens, and it isn't always necessary that I'd fall back into the abyss after every trivial matter? Can't they see I'm on my way to achieving a grip on myself?
And I know I won't fall unless I WANT to.
And you know, I DON'T want to. And, I won't.
History may repeat itself. But I won't.
And that's a vow. To myself.
P.S: Positive enough?
One moment, I was so dejected and hurt, and the next moment, I was enjoying the rains.
One moment, I had been so lachrymose and sensitive, and the next moment, I was cursing and shouting and giving threats (not in my mind, right on the face).
One moment, I was so needy, and the next moment, I just turned my back and walked away.
But, I couldn't believe myself further, when I thought I had fallen in love. Sure, they'd said love can happen more than once. But I didn't believe it back then.
Everytime, so far, I have always decided on love matters with my head. Even when I think I like someone, it has been a left-brain thought. Although, there was once an exception, where my heart and my head had been in unison.
But, for once, I had fallen for someone without even thinking. I had liked someone without even knowing. I had loved someone without even deciding (No, I'm pretty sure you won't understand this one).
But, well, where did it all take me? Nowhere. It turned into a triangle whose third angle was none other than my friend.
Although, she didn't harbour any feelings, he did.
And me? What could I do? I stepped aside (after a confrontation, of course :P).
But right now, I still cry. Not for him, but for me. No, not exactly in self pity. Let me try explaining.
I had found a really promising distraction from my past. When that was around, I was much more involved in it and I didn't think over matters that had once been. But then, it stepped out and now, although I know I can control it if I want to, I am reminded of it all.
And, everyone keeps threatening me of murder if I fall back into what I had been in. It has been three years. They are tired of trying to explain things to me. And why wouldn't they be?
But, can't they see I have changed? Can't they see I'm smiling and laughing and playing? Can't they see I've begun to actually live my life for myself? Can't they accept that shit happens, and it isn't always necessary that I'd fall back into the abyss after every trivial matter? Can't they see I'm on my way to achieving a grip on myself?
And I know I won't fall unless I WANT to.
And you know, I DON'T want to. And, I won't.
History may repeat itself. But I won't.
And that's a vow. To myself.
P.S: Positive enough?
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