Unanswered Questions.

Are you entitled to an apology?

Was whatever I confessed a mistake?

But, would an apology make any difference at all?

Since you no longer care that way?

A similar situation had brought you back

But those were different people, I guess.

What had I done to deserve this abandonment?

What had I done to deserve this regret?

And I don't even know what this regret is for

I don't even know what made you do things.

And you would never answer my questions

Never protect me with your wings.

Didn't you have even the slightest courtesy

To at least tell me what my mistake was?

Do I owe you an apology?

But would that apology make any difference at all?

Diwali and Longing.

Diwali.

The warm glow of friendship and relations, reflected in the flame of the diyas. The variety and emotions in life, reflected in the many colours of the rangoli. The sweetness of those memories, reflected in the delicacies. Diwali is the festival of lights and life, celebrate and cherish, the light of hope, the light of love, but most importantly, the very light in your eyes.


That's what I wrote for the world to see. 




Here's something I'm writing for you.












Ever since I was born, I suppose, Diwali has been my favourite Hindu festival. Why?


Not the light, the darkness. Not the rangoli, the 'gheru' (the brown canvas like base). Not the jaggery and sugar, the coconut. 


And yes, the new moon.


The silence after the firecrackers. The dark of the windows when they switch off the lighting. The dust and bits of papers lying on the ground. The crumbling left-overs the dogs get a treat with. The faded colours of the rangoli. The extinguished lamps.


A lonely Diwali it has always been for me. 'The Eternal Longing'. 

But, I guess, that's why I consider it my favourite festival, after all.

Mindless, Hopeless Verbiage.

It hurts.
It pains.
It's a feeling I can't really explain.


Unpredictability showers.
Every once in a while,
You make me smile.


Unpredictability showers.
Every once in a while,
You also make me cry.


It's the authority I thrust.
It's probably my fault.
That's probably why I lost.


It stings.
It cuts.
There are anger outbursts.


It still doesn't apparently matter.
But there are people who care.
And, then, there are people who dare.


Pretension was something disliked.
It turned into what I now do.
I turned, slowly, into you.


Words always mattered.
That was all I truly had.
Never knew it could also hurt so bad.


This poetry isn't going anywhere.
Just the same as me, hopeless and unaware.

A Thousand Words....

A thousand words, waiting to be said, 

Waiting to be heard.

And a thousand miles, full of obstacles,

Between us.

It used to matter,

The distance.

But, no longer.

I can still listen.

That profound silence,

The heavy heart.

A few things you say,

Although words cannot.

That smile of yours,

The twinkling eyes.

I know you feel it, too.

Don't you lie.

It used to matter,

The separation.

No longer,

Our souls lie in unison.

Yet, a few tears we shed.

A thousand words,

Waiting to be said.

History Repeats Itself

I couldn't believe myself.

One moment, I was so dejected and hurt, and the next moment, I was enjoying the rains.

One moment, I had been so lachrymose and sensitive, and the next moment, I was cursing and shouting and giving threats (not in my mind, right on the face).

One moment, I was so needy, and the next moment, I just turned my back and walked away.



But, I couldn't believe myself further, when I thought I had fallen in love. Sure, they'd said love can happen more than once. But I didn't believe it back then.

Everytime, so far, I have always decided on love matters with my head. Even when I think I like someone, it has been a left-brain thought. Although, there was once an exception, where my heart and my head had been in unison.

But, for once, I had fallen for someone without even thinking. I had liked someone without even knowing. I had loved someone without even deciding (No, I'm pretty sure you won't understand this one).

But, well, where did it all take me? Nowhere. It turned into a triangle whose third angle was none other than my friend.

Although, she didn't harbour any feelings, he did.

And me? What could I do? I stepped aside (after a confrontation, of course :P).

But right now, I still cry. Not for him, but for me. No, not exactly in self pity. Let me try explaining.

I had found a really promising distraction from my past. When that was around, I was much more involved in it and I didn't think over matters that had once been. But then, it stepped out and now, although I know I can control it if I want to, I am reminded of it all.

And, everyone keeps threatening me of murder if I fall back into what I had been in. It has been three years. They are tired of trying to explain things to me. And why wouldn't they be?

But, can't they see I have changed? Can't they see I'm smiling and laughing and playing? Can't they see I've begun to actually live my life for myself? Can't they accept that shit happens, and it isn't always necessary that I'd fall back into the abyss after every trivial matter? Can't they see I'm on my way to achieving a grip on myself?

And I know I won't fall unless I WANT to.

And you know, I DON'T want to. And, I won't.




History may repeat itself. But I won't.

And that's a vow. To myself.










P.S: Positive enough?

Tired of Smiling.

Hadn't you seen me change,
From these past few days?
I had begun to live,
Getting out of my usual ways.

I had begun to notice beauty,
In nature as well as human
I had begun to smile,
That wasn't a sight common.

I had finally realized
I had finally understood.
The zeal had come back,
Although you no longer could.

So, I sufficed myself
And lo, I found all new distractions.
But of course, nothing lasts forever
For someone long abandoned.

I don't like the blame game
So (as yet another change) I take charge.
Tempting as it is, going back there
I know it is all farce.

I have tried, and you have seen me at it
I have even overcome the difference
But these situations keep repeating
And history catches me mid-sentence.

But, this happens, right? With everyone.
Ups and downs, highs and lows
That's nothing new
With every mistake, you grow.

But, a hopelessly lost person
Can't find his way out
Even though he has once been there
He cannot say things aloud.

And I hide, I hide myself
Or, at least, I try my best to.
I am happy, genuinely
But, I need some rest, too.

This hasn't happened before!!

Yeah, the title sort of compels you to read this post, right? :P

Anyway. proceeding to the actual post.




The first thing I noticed were those interested eyes. (Or, that's what I thought). Then, the shirt. Then, the black, shiny, acoustic guitar.

What else would you want?



At first, I thought it was attraction. Then I got to know I was getting involved. And then, maybe, just MAYBE it could have been love at first sight. (With the guitar, of course! :P).



That's the thing that hasn't happened before. Love at first sight. (Sounds sort of...erm...cliched....for me, at least).


Part 2:

I've tried diverting my mind a lot of times. Even, acknowledging people who claim to like me (I don't do that normally, until I like them, too). But it has all been in vain. Was it because I hadn't tried my best or was it because I was going too fast (Nah, probably not) or perhaps 'Destiny'?

But, one thing had remained constant. All this while when I was trying to make space for others (who probably never deserved it), I felt as though I was cheating.

But this time, THIS particular time, I don't feel so. This particular time, I feel good. Dreamy, even. Happy. Yes, happy.


Part 3:

But, nostalgia strikes. And there's one thing I realized and one thing I decided.

You can be happy even in thinking of the past, provided you WANT to be happy.

From this day onward, I will never let anyone, ANY damn person or thing, or word, affect me as much as it did.








P.S: I'm not sure anyone would understand this post, but who cares? :P I'm writing for ME, right?