No, I don't want you to know all this. I don't want you to read all this. Please. I don't want to remind you of it. I don't want you to spend time on this at all. Just don't.
It's true most of these posts are meant for you, but I don't want you to know.
Not just because here's me, the open book, the vulnerable being, wound up and displaying my scars and I want to show it to all but you; but because I'm not sure how all this would affect you. I don't want it to bother you at all. I don't want it to have even the faintest of possibilities of hurting you.
I'm not ready. Not yet. And perhaps, I never would be.
I just wanted to know.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Saturday, June 06, 2009
The Virtual
Sometimes in life, it doesn’t really matter whether what you’re doing is right or wrong. What matters is you’re satisfied with it.
So what if indulge in memories and they almost always make me cry? I’m satisfied with my crying, quite. It really does give me a strange sort of satisfaction; happiness in being sad, as they would call it.
Yes, I’m happy being sad. I’m happy being hopelessly hopeful. I’m happy thinking and yearning for something that might never be mine again. But, hold. Isn’t it mine? It is. And I’m its.
So now what? Don’t I have it all? Perhaps I do. Perhaps I don’t. It’s a mixture of both. I have it all virtually. But, ‘technically, we’re in a position’ where having it all VIRTUALLY doesn’t make much difference. But, I know, somewhere, deep down within the seemingly extinct US, it makes a difference. It makes all the difference. It keeps us holding on. It cheers us on and on… and on.
What if I lose contact with reality? It keeps haunting me. What if I begin living solely in the dream world, in the ‘virtual’ world where I have it all? I know you’ll be highly disturbed by it. And you’ll try to hide it. Just as you try to hide everything else. Just as you try to hide yourself from me; yourself from you; yourself from US. WHY? “I think you know why”, I guess I do. But it wouldn’t hurt if you were selfish once in a while; or would it? “It would.” I guess I know you quite well.
Is this the 3rd/4th/5th…UMPTEENTH address to you? An address that was never received, never heard? But it IS heard. In the virtual world; for me; for US.
I wish you were here. I wish I could see you, even if it was just for a fleeting second, where our eyes would meet and a million unsaid words would be exchanged.
So what if indulge in memories and they almost always make me cry? I’m satisfied with my crying, quite. It really does give me a strange sort of satisfaction; happiness in being sad, as they would call it.
Yes, I’m happy being sad. I’m happy being hopelessly hopeful. I’m happy thinking and yearning for something that might never be mine again. But, hold. Isn’t it mine? It is. And I’m its.
So now what? Don’t I have it all? Perhaps I do. Perhaps I don’t. It’s a mixture of both. I have it all virtually. But, ‘technically, we’re in a position’ where having it all VIRTUALLY doesn’t make much difference. But, I know, somewhere, deep down within the seemingly extinct US, it makes a difference. It makes all the difference. It keeps us holding on. It cheers us on and on… and on.
What if I lose contact with reality? It keeps haunting me. What if I begin living solely in the dream world, in the ‘virtual’ world where I have it all? I know you’ll be highly disturbed by it. And you’ll try to hide it. Just as you try to hide everything else. Just as you try to hide yourself from me; yourself from you; yourself from US. WHY? “I think you know why”, I guess I do. But it wouldn’t hurt if you were selfish once in a while; or would it? “It would.” I guess I know you quite well.
Is this the 3rd/4th/5th…UMPTEENTH address to you? An address that was never received, never heard? But it IS heard. In the virtual world; for me; for US.
I wish you were here. I wish I could see you, even if it was just for a fleeting second, where our eyes would meet and a million unsaid words would be exchanged.
The Mind Game
In this mind game
I play against the same colour
The pawns, the knights, the bishops
All I have isn't even mine to take over.
I battle against my friends
I battle against my foes
This battle is a babel
A confusion I cannot hold.
In shambles, I murmur
I cry in despair
I search in vain for myself
I find I'm nothing without you there.
The monster within takes over
Feeds on my fears
'Tis not a silent battle
It ends in tears.
But, have I lost? Have I lost it all?
I don't even know when the knell tolled.
Am I alive? Am I dead? I still exist, Oh Lord!
Why this punishment? Finish me once and for all!
To Infinity and Beyond....
The dust had risen but now settles back down
Upon the paths to Infinity and Beyond
The footprints so clear had been
Now lie stranded mid-stream.
The fallen leaves cry in despair
"Come, lay your bare feet upon us"
The golden sands have lost their shine already
Drowning in their own tears.
The lonely rose is surrounded by thorns
With dust upon it swarmed
The blue sky has drooped its shoulders
It used to kiss peaks, now it rests on boulders.
Everything changed, as I stopped, for me.
Now I can't see Beyond, nor can I see Infinity.