A new enviromment outside, the same environment inside.

So I've shifted to a hostel that's at a distance of about 3 hours from my house. It's all new for me. Staying all by yourself with sometimes annoying room-mates, having to worry about food and water, washing your clothes on your own...in short, taking up your responsibilities. I admit, it's not easy.

I thought the change in environment would affect my mental and inner state in a positive way. So much for hoping things.

It's been a week now, and my state has improved...as in, I do my chores, I don't cry all the time and I don't sit on the net for hours together. But I want to.

It's not the same, but it's not much different, either. On the whole, only the frequency has changed, not the intensity. I feel sad every night. I keep longing. Longing for what? I'm not sure. I'm lonely all the time now, in the literal sense. I don't have freinds. I've roommates and classmates and batchmates.

I keep getting anxious. I want to cry, but I'm not sure how to or where to. I want to get numb, but at least the daily college hours coupled up with assignments don't exactly allow me to. But I'm not really doing this on my own will. I WANT to be numb. I WANT to exist and not live. It's inertia.

Yet, I try pushing myself at times. But the temptation of falling back right into the muddy and murky dark voids is high. Quite high enough for me to get hysteric at times and yearn to cross over.

I wait for a reply. I don't get it. Seven days and I'm on the edge of oblivion.

I don't like the hostel life. But, like it goes with food- health food is almost always never the delicious one on the table.

Direct Apostrophe

No, I don't want you to know all this. I don't want you to read all this. Please. I don't want to remind you of it. I don't want you to spend time on this at all. Just don't.

It's true most of these posts are meant for you, but I don't want you to know.

Not just because here's me, the open book, the vulnerable being, wound up and displaying my scars and I want to show it to all but you; but because I'm not sure how all this would affect you. I don't want it to bother you at all. I don't want it to have even the faintest of possibilities of hurting you.

I'm not ready. Not yet. And perhaps, I never would be.

I just wanted to know.

The Virtual

Sometimes in life, it doesn’t really matter whether what you’re doing is right or wrong. What matters is you’re satisfied with it.

So what if indulge in memories and they almost always make me cry? I’m satisfied with my crying, quite. It really does give me a strange sort of satisfaction; happiness in being sad, as they would call it.

Yes, I’m happy being sad. I’m happy being hopelessly hopeful. I’m happy thinking and yearning for something that might never be mine again. But, hold. Isn’t it mine? It is. And I’m its.

So now what? Don’t I have it all? Perhaps I do. Perhaps I don’t. It’s a mixture of both. I have it all virtually. But, ‘technically, we’re in a position’ where having it all VIRTUALLY doesn’t make much difference. But, I know, somewhere, deep down within the seemingly extinct US, it makes a difference. It makes all the difference. It keeps us holding on. It cheers us on and on… and on.

What if I lose contact with reality? It keeps haunting me. What if I begin living solely in the dream world, in the ‘virtual’ world where I have it all? I know you’ll be highly disturbed by it. And you’ll try to hide it. Just as you try to hide everything else. Just as you try to hide yourself from me; yourself from you; yourself from US. WHY? “I think you know why”, I guess I do. But it wouldn’t hurt if you were selfish once in a while; or would it? “It would.” I guess I know you quite well.

Is this the 3rd/4th/5th…UMPTEENTH address to you? An address that was never received, never heard? But it IS heard. In the virtual world; for me; for US.






I wish you were here. I wish I could see you, even if it was just for a fleeting second, where our eyes would meet and a million unsaid words would be exchanged.

The Mind Game

In this mind game
I play against the same colour
The pawns, the knights, the bishops
All I have isn't even mine to take over.

I battle against my friends
I battle against my foes
This battle is a babel
A confusion I cannot hold.

In shambles, I murmur
I cry in despair
I search in vain for myself
I find I'm nothing without you there.

The monster within takes over
Feeds on my fears
'Tis not a silent battle
It ends in tears.

But, have I lost? Have I lost it all?
I don't even know when the knell tolled.

Am I alive? Am I dead? I still exist, Oh Lord!
Why this punishment? Finish me once and for all!