The only existence

I turned and looked at the barren and empty streets. There wasn't a single soul breathing. But I was so sure I'd heard you only seconds ago.

"Alexa."

I gazed down the road and saw you standing beside one of the tall Maple trees.

I started forward. But you weren't even moving. I decided you must be waiting for me so I began to run forward in your direction.

But just as I got within touch, you vanished! There wasn't even a trace of you having been there only moments ago.

I looked, once again, at the barren and empty streets to find no one.

"Am I hallucinating?" I heard me whispering to myself.

"Alexa."

Again. Loud and clear, right ahead. I saw you standing with your back to me, leaning against the old fencing. This time you'd called out loud. But you weren't even looking in my direction.

I decided I didn't care. I ran forward and stopped abruptly midway when I saw myself emerge from behind one of the Maple trees and run towards you, in the opposite direction.

You were holding out your hand towards me and I held it, then we embraced and you pulled my face up to kiss my forehead.

I turned from the sight. The sight of us together. We were happy. And, more importantly, we were together.

I could touch the warm drops pouring out of my eyes, slowly.

We existed.

But only in my delusions.

Nostalgic

Here I sit with the late afternoon breeze
A cup of tea right before me
I think of you and all those moments
That were filled with love and ecstasy

I'm reminded of your voice
The soft whisper of a nightingale in disguise
The sharp intakes of breath
The lone melody in a babel of noise

I'm reminded of those endless nights
When I couldn't get myself to sleep right
When reality was far better than fantasy
When our love was the guiding light

I'm reminded of how suddenly it all vanished
How the love between us remained famished
Slowly the tears start welling up
As promises taken tarnish

I'm left with a vestige called friendship
The saviour in the hardship
I'm not alone,
And yet my heart's ripped

I still sit here with the late afternoon breeze
Reminiscing moments that were for keeps
Moments containing you and me
That were filled with love and ecstasy

And I'm nostalgic.

A little gesture, a huge smile

It happens all the while. The smallest of things can make you smile and the smallest of things can make you cry.

But, right now, I'm into the good things, the happy moments- For a change.

This happened last year. I don't remember the month or date, but I do remember the ambience.

It was like we were in a secluded Buddhist temple. Ancient faded paintings on the walls, a slightly crumbling ceiling, and the whiff of air conditioning.

We were at Moksha, a restaurant that boasted of burmese and thai cuisine.

That was the first and so far, my last time there with my mom.

There was a guitarist in the restaurant. And I go bonkers when I get a mere glimpse of a guitarist playing his instrument.

He came over and asked what song I wanted to be played.

My first reaction was that of elation and gratification. I asked if he could play 'Californication'.

But he hadn't heard of the song.

In the end, I had to suffice with 'You're beautiful'. He played it on his acoustic guitar and sang along with it. It was beautiful. It was as if all my senses had gone off and all I could feel was the excitement of someone being played a song to.

I'm mad for guitarists, I can't control my excitement when I come across one. And here was a professional, playing a song solely for me.

Later on, he played a song for someone else. A song that is very special to me. 'Tum ho toh'. And I wondered why I hadn't asked for it. But the point is, he played it and I could hear it.


That was one of the best moments of my life. I had been glowing with a smile that lasted right up to the next day.

That's what I call 'A little gesture, a huge smile'.

I couldn't even thank the guitarist for making my day. But I'm quite sure he would've understood it by my reactions.

Never.

I just want you to know that I never recovered and might never recover. Although I might appear to be mended, I shall forever hold that darkness, clutch it close, closest to me, because that was what remained with me when everything else shattered. It was my alibi. It was my only companion when you left.

You're still here with me, yet not totally with me.

It's not that I can't stay without you being mine, it's just that I can't stand being without the knowledge that you believe in us.

I'll remain impaired with your mere memory and try to suffice my yearnings with the mere thought of your voice, of your smile...