Of Dealing...And Needing.

The orange sunset leaves me in a blue mood. Strange- according to the colour-theory, they complement each other.

It's time I headed back to my health-food. My hostel. The days(3 weeks, to be precise) I spent back home weren't exactly exciting...But things here felt like addictions. Some like indulgence.

I noticed, that whenever I came back, those voids called out to me. The corners in my house...They all held memories. The window sill, the computer area...Almost every corner held some memory. And they reached out to me. And, the worst part, if you may call it, is that I succumbed to them. I fell back into the voids, still finding my comfort. A strange sense of satisfaction in self-pity.

And then all of a sudden, reality breaks down on me. Now I have to get back to the hostel in a day. And I dread it. I abhor it. I want to defer it. Indefinitely.

I wonder if I should try not coming back as much as possible. But then, that would be avoiding things I must deal with altogether.

It's tough...

And...I still need that person in order to need myself.

My Virtual World

(This is supposed to be a song :D)

I find, I find it in your eyes
A world with a new sunrise
I share, I share with you
Everything I ever wanted to

In my virtual world
Where all my dreams soar free
I have me, I have life
I have love, I have you
And that's all that I need

Lets reach out together to fantasy
Lets break free from this reality
Lets build a world of our own
Lets call that our home

I see, I see everything of me
In you, truly and completely
I smile, I smile with you
It's an everyday feeling and it's every time new

In my virtual world
Where all my dreams soar free
I have me, I have life
I have love, I have you
And that's all that I need.

In my virtual world....

Acceptance

Slithering in the damp dark murk
She made herself at home
No trace of joy, no sense of sorrow
Masochism and numbness alone.

A quivering sensation at times
And murmurs of fear
Everything seemed lost
Life was a waste, sheer.

All voices, all eyes, everyone she saw
Manifested a deep want to see some life in those eyes
She would try, always against herself
And that was where the problem lied.

"Against my will", she kept thinking
The inertia just wouldn't leave
Her shell she tightly held closed
Want was her ultimate need.

And then she faced what seemed the worst
Breaking down, tearing apart
Confusion confined her
But rather than an end, this was the start.

Suddenly every leaf dropped
From the tree of her confused despair
And new leaves actually grew
Out of what was once shared.

Slowly gratitude crawled
Along with a sense of belonging
Those words from The One and all
Now held deep meaning.

It was all true, and herself she had punished
For crimes never really committed
For choices that could be undone
Her punishment was her sin.

And now the need, the want
Somewhere it returned from
She embraced herself finally
A smile broke through the dark into the dawn.

I wish I could have been like you.

I live, I die, and then I live again
In a dream, in a delusion
Reality gets washed away in the rain
I blink in confusion.

The world moves on marching ahead
I stand still, afraid
I came out of my sheltering shed
But the world's still fake.

What ever happened was once
The ghost of Christmas past
I clutch at what is shunned
Insecure, abandoned.

I still make visits to the grave
I want back my sun
But what is gone is gone away
Away and yet holds sway.

I can't let go and I can't even hold
You are now mere memory
I wish you were still alive and whole
All I have now is a gaping hole.

Maybe you can see me from up there
Like an angel in the clouds
But maybe I wish you didn't stare
For my unwillingness lies bare.

I may never be able to face you
The face of strength and strong will
I wonder where all of that from me blew
Don't look at me now, it's all rue.

I wish I could have been strong
I wish you wouldn't be ashamed of me
You left crying, but you longed
To see me before your knell tolled.

I wish I could have been strong...
I wish I could have made you proud...
I wish I could have been like you.