So I've shifted to a hostel that's at a distance of about 3 hours from my house. It's all new for me. Staying all by yourself with sometimes annoying room-mates, having to worry about food and water, washing your clothes on your own...in short, taking up your responsibilities. I admit, it's not easy.
I thought the change in environment would affect my mental and inner state in a positive way. So much for hoping things.
It's been a week now, and my state has improved...as in, I do my chores, I don't cry all the time and I don't sit on the net for hours together. But I want to.
It's not the same, but it's not much different, either. On the whole, only the frequency has changed, not the intensity. I feel sad every night. I keep longing. Longing for what? I'm not sure. I'm lonely all the time now, in the literal sense. I don't have freinds. I've roommates and classmates and batchmates.
I keep getting anxious. I want to cry, but I'm not sure how to or where to. I want to get numb, but at least the daily college hours coupled up with assignments don't exactly allow me to. But I'm not really doing this on my own will. I WANT to be numb. I WANT to exist and not live. It's inertia.
Yet, I try pushing myself at times. But the temptation of falling back right into the muddy and murky dark voids is high. Quite high enough for me to get hysteric at times and yearn to cross over.
I wait for a reply. I don't get it. Seven days and I'm on the edge of oblivion.
I don't like the hostel life. But, like it goes with food- health food is almost always never the delicious one on the table.
